Lest you think my grief lacked its challenges, on the contrary, finding support after the loss of my husband wasn’t always easy.
Yes, the hospice we used called almost immediately to offer its grief support group, as well as regular visits with one of its chaplains. I did not have to search out these services. That was a blessing. As were the friends who made themselves available by phone at any time of the day or night.
But as a surviving spouse, there were times I felt utter despair, and nothing seemed like an adequate option for relieving the hopelessness. In spite of friends’ attempts to console me, at times like this no one seemed up to the task of saying or doing anything that would make me feel better. I felt I had nowhere to turn.
To top it off, one well-meaning friend admitted she had no idea what to say to me, that she was afraid she couldn’t offer me any help, that she didn’t know how. Although her response was blunt, and wasn’t at all what I wanted or needed to hear, it was honest. At least she didn’t repeat some well-meaning platitudes, some of which may have strongly annoyed me.
All surviving spouses, at the height of their grief following loss, seem to experience certain responses from friends and acquaintances that push their buttons. Mine was when people compared the death of my husband to the death of their parent, grandparent, or friend.
I thought, “How dare they think the two are the same!”
But it happened so often, it finally occurred to me that people weren’t being stupid or insensitive. Rather, they just didn’t know what else to say to me.
Writing for marriage.com, Rachael Pace lists a few common statements that may annoy a grieving surviving spouse, such as, “he’s in a better place now,” “at least he is out of pain,” or “it’s God’s will.”
Again, many people just aren’t skilled in knowing what to say to those who have survived a terrible loss. If you understand their good intentions, you’ll stop bristling when they say the “wrong” thing.
There is also the case of a surviving spouse with few close friends.
In an article on the website of the National Council on Aging, these surviving spouses have an additional challenge exacerbating their grief: “A lack of social support. This is especially true if the surviving spouse relied on their partner to maintain an active social calendar and stay connected to family and friends.”
I only know that each time I felt despair and hopelessness, it was short-lived. Things almost always looked brighter the next day after a decent night’s sleep and a chance at a fresh perspective.
As you seek out the help you need, make a mental note of those sources who seem up to the task and those who don’t. It shouldn’t take long to discover where the best assistance can be found. And don’t hesitate to let them know how they can help. Tell them what you need.
Above all, go easy on people. They mean well. And with the proper attitude, you can help them to help you.
It’s an obsession! I need my home to pack a wow! I always have. But it wasn’t until I was in my 50s that I had the means to make it so. And even then, having amassed the funds required, how would I get there given I lacked interior design training and possessed little artistic talent? It seemed the dream would always remain just that…a dream.
I’ve played violin since age 7, and performing in orchestras, chamber groups and quartets has enriched my life immeasurably. I count my lucky stars that when we were kids, my cousin Judy, four years my senior and whom I worshipped, took up the violin. I had to do everything Judy did, so of course I begged my parents for violin lessons. Judy only played for a year, and I stayed for the rest of my life.
My dad was not one to dole out insightful advice. Indeed, he was far more likely to grab any opportunity to mindlessly, and tongue-in-cheek, offer up his favorite old standby: “Suffering is good for the character!”
