How tragic, for life to suddenly lack all meaning!
As a surviving spouse, I’d lost the husband and best friend with whom I could share things. Wasn’t my grief bad enough? Now everything I did left me feeling empty, to boot.
So what was the point of going out, attempting to have fun, being productive, or doing anything? After all, if the end result would amount to me merely going through the motions of living, then why do it?
That’s a good question. And I have good and bad news.
The bad first: Being a surviving spouse means things might not be great for a while.
The good news: So what?
Okay, that sounded a bit flippant. Sorry. But it was my attempt to shake you out of your doldrums and wake you up to some possibilities.
The surprising but fortunate truth is, going through the motions of living isn’t the worst thing in the world. And it’s likely to be quite temporary, especially if you want it to be.
You are a surviving spouse in the midst of your grief over a terrible loss. The operative word is “surviving.” So I suggest you adopt a survivor’s mentality. That means doing the best you can. And for now, that’s likely to be good enough.
Writing for Cake, an endeavor of MIT and Harvard alumni, Dr. Alejandra Vasquez lists several ways for a grieving surviving spouse to put meaning back into his or her life.
Among them, Dr. Vasquez writes, “Identify what’s meaningful to you,” “do the things you never had time for before,” and “rediscover your calling.”
I can’t emphasize enough the power of accomplishing something. Especially if it’s something you can be proud for having done.
In her article on marriage.com, Sylvia Smith suggests (when you are ready), “Don’t be afraid of the future…Instead of dwelling on your pain, shift your focus to something you can look forward to, such as traveling, making big plans with friends, and dating.”
You’ve suffered a life-altering loss. But as a surviving spouse, grief is not the end of your life. Try to see it as a new beginning, because it is. Consider the possibility that your life can now be anything you want it to be. It might even take a path completely different from the one you’ve been on. Doesn’t that sound exciting? If it doesn’t, revisit the possibility in another month or so.
When you are ready, your life can become a world of opportunities. They are yours for the taking.
It’s an obsession! I need my home to pack a wow! I always have. But it wasn’t until I was in my 50s that I had the means to make it so. And even then, having amassed the funds required, how would I get there given I lacked interior design training and possessed little artistic talent? It seemed the dream would always remain just that…a dream.
I’ve played violin since age 7, and performing in orchestras, chamber groups and quartets has enriched my life immeasurably. I count my lucky stars that when we were kids, my cousin Judy, four years my senior and whom I worshipped, took up the violin. I had to do everything Judy did, so of course I begged my parents for violin lessons. Judy only played for a year, and I stayed for the rest of my life.
My dad was not one to dole out insightful advice. Indeed, he was far more likely to grab any opportunity to mindlessly, and tongue-in-cheek, offer up his favorite old standby: “Suffering is good for the character!”
